The gift of time
A psychotherapy session is a unique experience. You might not know what to expect. You can give voice to your fears, your regrets, your shame, your hopes and your dreams in a way that most people cannot in any other relationship. There are boundaries to the psychotherapy relationship that make it a uniquely safe relationship.
Like a relationship with any doctor, you can expect expertise. You can expect that I know patterns of mental health and illness and can help you navigate your mental health based on those patterns. Like a relationship with a friend or a partner, you can expect empathy and concern, especially towards your feelings of vulnerability and intimacy. You can expect that I’ll show you warmth and compassion, especially when you feel self-critical and worthless yourself. You can be vulnerable, which may feel intimate, and you can expect respect and safety. You can share your secrets, your regrets, your shame and be met with forgiveness and compassion. The psychotherapy relationship has unique features that make it unlike other relationships. There is no expectation of reciprocity, so you are uniquely able to express your needs without fear of judgment or rejection if your needs don’t meet mine. There is no expectation of relationship outside of the appointments, so there’s no possibility of judgment or consequences in your everyday life. Unlike other professional relationships, there is expectation of relationship within the appointments. I’m not just an authority telling you what you should think and feel and then having you go on your way. I’m a person in a relationship with another person, you, and with that comes expectations of respecting one another’s time and boundaries.
Some people experience the exchange of money as a symbol of the transactional nature of the psychotherapy relationship. I see it as a boundary conveying intention and attention. I see it as a symbol of respect of one another and of the psychotherapy process. To you, my client, I hope it conveys, “I’m here for you and your needs. You have my undivided attention. You matter to me and my time is yours.” To me, your psychologist, it conveys, “I’m in need of your time and attention. Your time and attention are valuable to me so I’m going to give you something that is valuable to me and you and in society.”
Time is the most precious resource that any of us have in our lives. Money may seem more important, but the wealthiest people will tell you that time is the great equalizer. Each day, we all have the same amount of time.
My decision to become a psychologist is rooted in my belief in the value of time. Throughout my career, I have sometimes wondered if I could be more impactful through group therapy, giving more people less time. I still believe in the value of community in general and group therapy in specific, but I’m deeply committed to the time-intensive healing process that individuals partake in during the individual psychotherapy journey.
I know the value of coping skills, but I think that in some ways, the coping skills are primarily something to talk about while we build an attachment relationship from which healing occurs. You need to give yourself time to heal and I commit to giving you my time to guide you along that journey. My time is a gift I’m giving you and your time is a gift you are giving yourself. It’s one of many gifts of compassion I offer you and you offer to yourself that ultimately led to healing.